Wednesday, January 19, 2005
It Was Just A Night OF Stormy Rain In The Sea
Oh dear, that was so sudden. I told you I will get very emotional in the year of Rooster, it's really nothing anymore, at least for now the time bomb is sleeping again in a volcano. If it ever happens again, just let me bitch awhile, all you have to do is to find a safe place to hide and it will be fine. :) I am amazed that I still have friends now, as being such a lunatic.... heh heh... That's what's it like when Leo meets Gemini, my spontaneous instinct and my unpredictable craziness inside the core of my faith. nice...
A good thing about that is, I could get very artistic at that moment, maybe not, but all I know is, this is a moment when my brain leaks out some liquid that drive people to do art stuff. I scribbled some scripts yesterday, also some sketchings, more scribbles and prose writing...
Trace back to the cradle of this storm, it started from the moment I bought a journal yesterday, since I want to write more stuff, something deeper of a human soul. The moment I decided to buy a journal, I know my emotions is not gonna be as calm as a piece of dead wood. Especially writing a person's most secret things and feelings on paper, this is very crazy indeed. I guess no one would do this unless you want to die.
It is a challenge to me, writing is a process that you think and digest all the good and bad stuff once again, transfer it as letters, and write it out. This is a very very different form from drawing, acting and other kind of art expression. Drawing is an image of one's abstract perception, and acting is an action of one's abtract perception, both are the reaction of an inner mind. Whereas writing is very different, it is something you present yourself truely, not an reaction but using words to witness the whole process with every single details. And writing this is like presenting yourself naked in front of somebody, or just yourself.
I have this blog and I wrote a lot of stuff to reveal myself, something that I don't even know very well. Language is a thing that should be damned and cursed, because it is too magical, it's a sequence of words that could reveal or conceal something. Probably what we conceal is more than what we reveal, and it is not just hiding it from people, but also one self. Indeed, there're so many thing I want to write it out, but it's somehow not appropriate to write it on the blog.
haha... not nasty thing, but I always think the most secret thing that hide in a person, usually is the greatest fear that could kill a person. I want to reveal my fear to myself, as I said, people do that could die, and it is worse than fear factor. I have to take out a lot of gut to prepare what would happen to myself, includes going crazy (which I guess I already am), depression (this too), super emotional (this too obviously), the worst would be suicide (I'm sure I won't do this, but still... have to think about this in order to prevent it). Don't know how long I have to give up being a normal person, but the goal is to clean the dirt out of me, free as a better person instead of living in a compromised situation and a pointless abnegation. ~wake up and shake up.~
Something in my life is still a vague, I help a lot of people in my life but ignore my own problem. I heard this from a good friend when I was in teenage, he went "did you see the flight safety instruction? you have to save yourself before you save others, it would be useful for your life." The only thing I can think of is selfish, self-centred, egoistic. I still don't know if those are good/bad word, but I know everyone would have at least 1% of it to qualify being called as "human-being".
By having that 1% or more selfishness, I've determined to buy myself a journal and face my own fear in order to save myself. I don't expect others to help, instead of waiting the right person to help, I decide to help myself, yea I know if I don't do it right, it could go to the worst, but this is also a way out. Grandpa used to say the chinese word "crisis", it is a two-letters words that combine the meaning of dangerous and opportunity. I guess, this is my dark age period that waiting for a revolution... :) Viva la Revolution! p(*0*)q
I have no idea what I am gonna do with this book in the future, in the prelude, I wrote myself a letter saying if I ever read this again, this book is not important anymore when its content doesn't bother me anymore. So yea... I started writing my journal and have a bit of exploration inside myself last night up til 4 in the morning and I just woke up with a better mood to write this on the blog. Indeed, I know abit more about myself, and I can really see thing more clearly afterward. Let me extract part of my writing here, I may put more in the future, if it is appropriate... :)
[[audio: Bright Eyes - Drunk Kid Catholic]]
The drunk kids, the catholics. They’re all about the same.
They’re waiting for something. Hoping to be saved.
Well I have been happy the past couple days.
Just thinking of the women who’ve taken your place.
And every night I think I certaintly won't ever sleep sober oralone.
And then suddenly it occurs to me. I've slept alone before you.
And so I pour myself the stiffest drink that my stomach canstand.
And convince myself to lay back down again.
I’m gonna lay back down, I’m gonna lay back down again.
The drunk kids, the catholics. They're all about the same.
They’re waiting for something. Hoping to be saved.
They crawl from the oceans. To paint in the caves.
But I’m working all weekend. I need to get paid.
Oh dear, that was so sudden. I told you I will get very emotional in the year of Rooster, it's really nothing anymore, at least for now the time bomb is sleeping again in a volcano. If it ever happens again, just let me bitch awhile, all you have to do is to find a safe place to hide and it will be fine. :) I am amazed that I still have friends now, as being such a lunatic.... heh heh... That's what's it like when Leo meets Gemini, my spontaneous instinct and my unpredictable craziness inside the core of my faith. nice...
A good thing about that is, I could get very artistic at that moment, maybe not, but all I know is, this is a moment when my brain leaks out some liquid that drive people to do art stuff. I scribbled some scripts yesterday, also some sketchings, more scribbles and prose writing...
Trace back to the cradle of this storm, it started from the moment I bought a journal yesterday, since I want to write more stuff, something deeper of a human soul. The moment I decided to buy a journal, I know my emotions is not gonna be as calm as a piece of dead wood. Especially writing a person's most secret things and feelings on paper, this is very crazy indeed. I guess no one would do this unless you want to die.
It is a challenge to me, writing is a process that you think and digest all the good and bad stuff once again, transfer it as letters, and write it out. This is a very very different form from drawing, acting and other kind of art expression. Drawing is an image of one's abstract perception, and acting is an action of one's abtract perception, both are the reaction of an inner mind. Whereas writing is very different, it is something you present yourself truely, not an reaction but using words to witness the whole process with every single details. And writing this is like presenting yourself naked in front of somebody, or just yourself.
I have this blog and I wrote a lot of stuff to reveal myself, something that I don't even know very well. Language is a thing that should be damned and cursed, because it is too magical, it's a sequence of words that could reveal or conceal something. Probably what we conceal is more than what we reveal, and it is not just hiding it from people, but also one self. Indeed, there're so many thing I want to write it out, but it's somehow not appropriate to write it on the blog.
haha... not nasty thing, but I always think the most secret thing that hide in a person, usually is the greatest fear that could kill a person. I want to reveal my fear to myself, as I said, people do that could die, and it is worse than fear factor. I have to take out a lot of gut to prepare what would happen to myself, includes going crazy (which I guess I already am), depression (this too), super emotional (this too obviously), the worst would be suicide (I'm sure I won't do this, but still... have to think about this in order to prevent it). Don't know how long I have to give up being a normal person, but the goal is to clean the dirt out of me, free as a better person instead of living in a compromised situation and a pointless abnegation. ~wake up and shake up.~
Something in my life is still a vague, I help a lot of people in my life but ignore my own problem. I heard this from a good friend when I was in teenage, he went "did you see the flight safety instruction? you have to save yourself before you save others, it would be useful for your life." The only thing I can think of is selfish, self-centred, egoistic. I still don't know if those are good/bad word, but I know everyone would have at least 1% of it to qualify being called as "human-being".
By having that 1% or more selfishness, I've determined to buy myself a journal and face my own fear in order to save myself. I don't expect others to help, instead of waiting the right person to help, I decide to help myself, yea I know if I don't do it right, it could go to the worst, but this is also a way out. Grandpa used to say the chinese word "crisis", it is a two-letters words that combine the meaning of dangerous and opportunity. I guess, this is my dark age period that waiting for a revolution... :) Viva la Revolution! p(*0*)q
I have no idea what I am gonna do with this book in the future, in the prelude, I wrote myself a letter saying if I ever read this again, this book is not important anymore when its content doesn't bother me anymore. So yea... I started writing my journal and have a bit of exploration inside myself last night up til 4 in the morning and I just woke up with a better mood to write this on the blog. Indeed, I know abit more about myself, and I can really see thing more clearly afterward. Let me extract part of my writing here, I may put more in the future, if it is appropriate... :)
P.S. Fucking fingers are out of control."We can never forget when we want to, the more we try, the more it struck. Once
it's no longer bother you, no matter how many times you remember it, you are
just over it. There's no need to forget whatsoever..."(How Long Does It Take? - fay 2005)
[[audio: Bright Eyes - Drunk Kid Catholic]]
The drunk kids, the catholics. They’re all about the same.
They’re waiting for something. Hoping to be saved.
Well I have been happy the past couple days.
Just thinking of the women who’ve taken your place.
And every night I think I certaintly won't ever sleep sober oralone.
And then suddenly it occurs to me. I've slept alone before you.
And so I pour myself the stiffest drink that my stomach canstand.
And convince myself to lay back down again.
I’m gonna lay back down, I’m gonna lay back down again.
The drunk kids, the catholics. They're all about the same.
They’re waiting for something. Hoping to be saved.
They crawl from the oceans. To paint in the caves.
But I’m working all weekend. I need to get paid.
